Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Deep thoughts...

Well it is all starting to come together quickly; the nursery is full of stuff that is mostly organized, the car seat is ready to install, we are now seeing the doctor weekly, and at 37 weeks I am considered to be "term." In two days Mac and I took 10 hours of "training classes" learning about everything from epidurals to nursing bras and more. While there is still much to do, even Mac has admitted that he is ready for Gideon to be here already (or as he pointed out, now that ultrasounds are over, birth is the only way we will even get to see Gideon).

I am ready too, because I am sick of heartburn, and being swollen and because I want to hold my little baby in my arms. Like most pregnant women I am frequently awake at night which gives me a lot of time to think (and occasionally panic). There are some big changes coming. Mac and I will no longer get to be so selfish, selfish about how we focus on ourselves and each other. For 9 years it's been the two of us, first as individuals figuring out what it was like to share our lives with each other and now as a team, unable to live without one another. This journey has brought us even closer together and I am so proud that this is the man who will raise my son.

I am also going to have to learn how to be Mom and not Kristin. It's funny, I struggled sooo much with slowly losing my ability to physically and mentally contribute to my life (cooking, doing dishes, walking up the stairs) and now that I have finally wrapped my head around it and started letting other people help me, it is all about to turn upside down...again. Soon I will be the biggest contributor to Gideon's life, breastfeeding in the middle of the night, comforting him during the day while Mac is at work, and generally hovering like any other first time mother bear. I have a feeling no one is going to be taking care of me any more. That is how it should be but I will miss it. I will also miss being pregnant. With all of the discomfort and limitations I will miss having Gideon with me and knowing that I am providing him with the best and safest place to grow. The world is scary! I am so glad that I have been able to be shelter him from weather, diseases, and toxins by a body that would sacrifice itself for him before I even consciously knew I would do that same. I remember when I fell in the park it felt like slow motion as I twisted in mid-air to avoid landing on my baby, it was just automatic.

So those are the things I have been thinking about during the quiet, dark hours. I can't wait to look back in a few months and compare these thoughts to those that are to come once Gideon is here and he and I have our late nights together. I am sure there will be good, bad, ugly, and funny and I welcome it all with open arms.


  1. You made me cry!!! I remember the last few weeks and how I just drank in my time with Lu. It was so precious having her all to myself and it was kind of sad knowing that soon, I'd have to share her with the world. But, of course, it's been glorious sharing her with the world, just as it will be for you, Mac and Gideon.

    And that whole learning not to be selfish thing...it just evolves without you even knowing it. You can't look at that little face and imagine giving any less. You're going to be such a loving and wonderful mama.

    *Oh and people will still take care of you for awhile with meals and stuff. It's a few weeks into it when the meals stop and you realize there is no way you're gonna be able to cook dinner AND care for this baby!! Hahaha. But, you do. We all figure it out in time. This is such an exciting time for you!

  2. Kristin, what a beautiful entry, and tribute to your wonderful husband (we have such great guys in our family!), to Gideon and to yourself. And, honey, you can still be taken care of. Your mommy will take care of you when you need it most. She'll let you relax a little while she spoils you, and talk you thru the panicky times, or just listen while you share your fears and triumphs. She wants to do that and she's looking forward to it more than you know. Besides you and Mac, nobody is going to love that little boy more than your own Mom.